What I Really Need

My family and I went to Zion National Park in southern Utah for Labor Day weekend with some friends. The whole idea was that we would rappel a few slot canyons - Yankee Doodle, Key Hole, and the granddaddy of them all, Pine Creek. Needless to say, I chickened out at the last minute. I am terrified of heights. It's not the normal fear that most people have. No. I am frozen with fear. I don't mind minor down- climbs, and really, standing on the edge of a cliff doesn't bother me. It's the thought of going over the cliff, even in a harness, or even with someone there to catch me, that horrifies me.
It's not a rational fear, not one I can talk myself out of. It's the same way I feel at the top of a rather steep slope when skiing. Suddenly all logic evades me. I freeze.
But you know, I still had a wonderful time and here's why. I realized what really matters in my life.
We stayed at a campground quite far from the park itself, in red canyon country. That night we stood under the moonlight (a Blue Moon!) and watched the moon cast our shadows. The whole night the sky was so bright that you could see the clouds. The moon illuminated those red cliffs, washing them in cool silver light. And then, something I've always yearned to hear - coyotes howled. It was a raw, wild lullaby.
Earlier that evening, my friend Craig was telling me about a second home a mutual friend owns. He was describing the home's luminous granite floors and a shower that mimics the feel of standing under a (warm) waterfall. It was luxury and excess in my mind.
It became very clear to me what luxury is for me. It's hearing coyotes howl under a blue moon. It's walking up a river bed and standing under a cool waterfall. It's being surrounded by great cliffs and Ponderosa pines. It's watching red sunsets that take your breath away. It's being with family and friends who love one another and truly enjoy each other's company.
I don't think I'll ever rappel. At least not 70 feet of free hanging like those intrepid family members and friends did. I've decided to be more gentle with myself and honor the fears I have. They humble me. They make me realize there are always things in our lives we cannot conquer. Our fears are conduits of truth, revealing aspects of ourselves we would rather not see. But as they reveal our weaknesses, they also reveal our strengths. I am strong enough to admit when something is too big or too scary for me. In a way, I am strong enough to realize that I am not always strong. I am strong enough to acknowledge what really matters in life. My family and friends love me despite my fears. My son Andrew even volunteered to spend the day with me instead of going on the Pine Creek rappel. We had a wonderful time. He admitted he probably had more fun than the others did that day. We found a Starbucks and drank hot chocolate. We went bouldering along Pine Creek and swam in water holes, we talked to cool people and Andrew even helped a lady get her Harley out of a sandy area alongside the road. (She must have weighed as much as the bike. Five men had to help her!)

And what matters is so very simple. Good friends and family and the wild around me. The lyrics of the song "Cowboy Take Me Away" by the Dixie Chicks pretty much sums it up:

" I wanna touch the earth I wanna break it in my hands
I wanna grow something wild and unruly
I wanna sleep on the hard ground in the comfort of your arms
On a pillow of blue bonnets in a blanket made of stars
Oh it sounds good to me

Cowboy take me away fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue
Set me free oh I pray closer to heaven above and closer to you
Closer to you

I wanna walk and not run, I wanna skip and not fall
I wanna look at the horizon, and not see a building standing tall
I wanna be the only one, for miles and miles
Except for maybe you, and your simple smile

Oh it sounds good to me, yes it sounds so good to me,

Cowboy take me away, fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue
Set me free, oh, I pray, closer to heaven above, and closer to you
Closer to you

I don't have the farm of my dreams but I have come to realize that I need to make do.
I do have 2/3 of an acre which includes garden space and pasture. I have two chicken coops with twelve or so hens and one Silkie rooster that acts like a fop. (A fop, which I only recently learned, means "a man who is excessively vain and concerned about his dress, appearance, and manners.")
I just got 20 meat chickens this morning. They are so cute when they are babies! My almost-eleven-year old, Matthew, cautioned against becoming too attached to them, knowing the end from the beginning. He calls them the "yum chickens" and he is right. They are down right delicious once they are all plump and ready to "harvest." (And pretty ugly too.)
I just ordered four ducks which will be the herdees for my Border Collie as he learns to be the herder. You start with ducks because they have a flock or herd mentality like sheep to stay in groups. But they are a bit easier to manage. (And very cute by the way.) And no, I'm not planning on any Duck L'Orange.
Basically what I have come to understand is that even if the farm girl is not in the country, she can bring the country to her. And that is my goal. So, join me on my front porch and we'll chat about my blossoming urban farm.
Watch for forthcoming photos, ideas, recipes and just plain farm girl thoughts.

Blog therapy

I just saw Julie and Julia, the movie that follows the lives of Julie (last name?) and Julia Child. I realized that blogging can be very therapeutic and I think that's just what I need. I'm not into the one sentence headline of Facebook, ie; "Josie...is baking cookies..." I need to write and express myself more fully and hopefully people will read what I have to say and find it interesting (or weird..or pathetic).
For a long time I was emailing a friend and it was fun to actually put thoughts down knowing that someone was really going to read it and respond. When they stopped responding (I guess they must have thought I was weird or pathetic) I stopped writing my thoughts and feelings.
Every once in a while I get a good idea for a story. Usually a romance, always schmaltzy. I can't get over how sappy the storyline is. Sometimes I lose myself in the action and live more in my story than in real life. Not long ago I spent hours and hours writing a story. I neglected the house and my boys (including Rob and my dog). I was caught up in the story, enjoying the adventures of my heroine. After a week or so I realized that I was having more fun in my heroine's life than in my own. I enjoy movies for the same reason, they are all having an adventure. Their lives always have some meaning and significance. When the movie is over it is hard to get back into real life. It's like the Christmas Eves we would have with the movie camera. My dad would turn on the spotlight and it would be bright and beautiful while he was "filming" us. Then he would turn it off and everything would be dull and dim.
It's time for me to enjoy what I'm doing in real life. To have adventure and live meaningfully. So it is my quest to fine out what I'm here on this earth to accomplish - and get busy doing it instead of writing about it.

Fall chicks?

My little Jungle Pea Hen loves to have babies. She has just hatched her fourth clutch of cute, bright eyed chicks. She's a very good mother, clucking at them and making sharp kk..kk noises to instruct them what to eat. The problem is that she is very naive. She doesn't realize that the big Tom turkey wants to eat her children and that there are rats just waiting for a midnight snack. In fact, if she tried to do it alone, her babies wouldn't survive. That's where I come in, the "deus ex machina", helping this poor mother by bringing her and her brood into my root cellar, supplying the food and water, warmth and safety.
In general, the "deus ex machina" is a poor literary tool. It means "god from the machine" and is a plot device used by authors in which a person or object suddenly appears out of nowhere to rescue a character from doom. It's a cop out. It's not good writing. But it's what I do a lot in real life.
This is the conflict all biologists studying animals have. Do they allow the animal to suffer in it's natural habitat for the sake of realistic research or save the animal they've come to love?
And it's not just animals I save but my sons as well when I fear the consequences will be too hard to bear. When they forget their homework and call me pleading, "Mom, can you bring me my homework, if I don't turn it in I'll get an F," how can I say no?
"Experts" say that I'm not letting them learn natural consequences for their actions and they'll never be functional adults if I always run to their aid. To them I say, it may be bad literature, but everyone needs some sort of deus ex machina in their life. Be it a mom, or an angel neighbor, we sometimes are in need of someone appearing out of nowhere to bring us aid.

Gorgeous Inside!

Once in a while I'll come across a Realtor sign dangling under "for sale" that says, "gorgeous inside." It always makes me laugh and want to say, "Me too!"
I'm just going to be honest with myself, I am just not drop down gorgeous on the outside. My company always asks me to do voice recording but never modeling. They never say it but I know, I'd never make it as an actress. Or a Country singer. I'm not in the least bit photogenic. I'm not the world's version of the perfect weight. (Raphael's paintings reflect the ideals of a different era where his "ideal" women are fleshy and curvy. What happened to that "perfect 10" ???) But....if they could only see the inside!! I think a lot of women feel the same way. Overlook the sagging porch, the peeling paint on the fascia and awnings, the droopy flowers and unkempt lawn.....just look inside where we shine! I truly am gorgeous inside. :)
I love the movie "Shallow Hal" about a man who is "hypnotized" into seeing people as they are on the inside instead of outside. There's the really ugly, bony, anemic nurse who is really beautiful but he doesn't see that, the handsome Hawaiian whose really obese, and of course, the "love interest", the beautiful, kind and loving woman he sees and falls in love with who is actually very overweight. I found out the actress....(the name slips me) put on a "fat suit" for the part and actually walk around in public to get used to it. In real life this woman always has men gawking at her but "fat"- even though she's the same person inside - no one looked twice!
I'm lucky enough to have a husband and family and friends who love me just the way I am. And of course, I'm always trying to improve my looks....I just wish I could wear a sign around my neck that says, "Gorgeous Inside." Do you think then that I could make it in Hollywood? :)

Compromise Helps

Okay, two days now. I did go swimming yesterday and do my usual farm work that I think counts as aerobic exercise. I've decided on some things, like food and love, compromise is important. So...my compromise with hot chocolate (I just can't start the day without it) is that I use "healthy" sugar (just dehydrated cane juice) and then limit myself to one cup a day. I seem to be happier this way.
One of my chickens died yesterday. It was really bizarre, chickens are bizarre creatures. It had been out all night and I think attacked by a cat or something so it had a little cut. The other hens (before I knew about it) tore at her feathers around it on her head until she was completely bald! They go into killing frenzy when they see blood I guess and by evening she was a goner. So sad! What's so ironic is that she dies because of a gash in her neck but my other hen survives having her leg bitten off! Go figure.
Speaking of figures....I'm still at it, improving my figure that is.
Thanks to everyone who reads this and comments, I really appreciate the support!!

This is Hard!!

Breaking old habits is soooo hard. And it seems like there are so many things out there wanting to thwart your goals. I sat down to play my cello and started tuning it and the string broke!! How stupid is that? So it took me a while to put a string back on and then tune it and then.....of course, it was time to go pick up Ben from band practice! So, no practicing for me today with all the other things on my schedule. And I seriously was so close to giving in and having hot chocolate. I think you go through withdrawals even with chocolate.
So day one is over and hopefully it's going to get easier and easier.